The notion of feeling your feelings is something that comes up a lot in the world of mental health. My thoughts on it have changed dramatically, as I have experienced more and more trauma resolution.
In part 1, I described how emotions can be understood as caused by the mind in order to cause actions. For example, the mind causes fear which facilitates the action of running away quickly. For humans, there is often no action that needs to be taken when an emotion arises. Therefore, riding out the energy of an unnecessary emotion is a valuable skill.
In part 2, I described how struggling to get away from an emotion generally causes more problems than it solves. It’s usually better to feel an emotion than to fight with it. However, that does not mean feeling it is a solution in and of itself.
Let’s take it a little further.
Feelings can cause discomfort, but they cannot hurt you. No harm can come from experiencing the sensations that make up an emotional state.
Think of an airplane, soaring through the clear blue sky. It is approaching a huge patch of fluffy white clouds. Are you worried about the airplane? No. It will pass right through, completely unscathed. If the passengers don’t realize this, they may become upset as they approach the cloud. Still, you are not worried about the passengers.
Here is the problem. People are flying into mountains in order to avoid clouds. Metaphorically speaking, they sense an upcoming cloud (some distasteful feeling) and change course, crashing right into the side of a mountain. Just about any compulsive or addictive behavior can fit into this description. When a feeling is diverted by an addictive action, real harm IS done.
Self consciousness, social anxiety, heartbreak, loneliness, restlessness, agitation, anxiety, deprivation, fear, and sadness…these are the types of feelings that most would prefer not to go through. Attempts to divert them translate into substance abuse, violence, compulsive sexual behavior, disordered eating, abusive relationships, excessive working and obsessive exercise (to name a few). Unlike the harmless cloud of an emotion, these behaviors DO have consequences. Some consequences are undoubtedly much more severe and immediate than others, but all compulsive behavior has compounding negative effects over time.
If you are looking to change a habit or move beyond an addiction, you have to put the whole process in reverse. That means going against your impulse to move away from a feeling you don’t prefer. Not because feeling it has value, but because running away from it means running towards something that can hurt you.
Don’t crash into the mountain. Just fly through the cloud.
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